the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
