dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
