I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
