I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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