that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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