you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
