Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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