K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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