So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
