shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
