dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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