I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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