He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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