Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
