...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
