Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
