I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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