So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
