Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
