She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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