so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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