I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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