In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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