So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
