I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My liver just had a heart attack.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize