So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
