Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
