I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
