Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
