whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
