I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
