I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
True strength comes from lack of pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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