I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
