I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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