between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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