we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
