If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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