So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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