never play flip cup with pint glasses
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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