I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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