I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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