dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
