saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize