I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
