Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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