The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
