Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
