Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
