see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
