i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
