i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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