I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
