She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
