As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
