Pappa wants mamma naked
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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