I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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