i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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