I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
